"Ahhh! I'm about to go crazy!" Jenn slammed the door to
her closet and hobbled over to her full-length mirror. She studied both of her feet - her left foot adorned with a purple
strappy sandal, and her right foot sporting a black penny loafer with a slight heel. It was impossible to decide
which shoe to wear with her new cute hip huggers, so she knew that she needed to phone in for backup.
Jenn kicked off her shoes and plopped down on her bed. She reached for the
phone on the end table and dialed Kim's number, although Kim would probably have some non-helpful sarcastic suggestion, considering
she wasn't looking forward to working at Scott's house at all.
"Hello?"
"Oh, Kim! I'm glad you're home. Listen, I need advice about what shoes
to wear to Scott's - " Jenn began.
"Dude, come on! Like that oblivious nutjob is even going to notice
what shoes you wear. He'll be too busy eating cavier and complaining about how hard it is to find good help these days."
"But I want to make a good impression!" Jenn wailed. "Maybe if he sees how
sophisticated and refined I am, he'll ask me out on a date!"
"Yeah, and then Brad Pitt is going to divorce Jennifer Aniston so he can date Ryan,"
Kim answered sarcastically.
"Kiiiimmmmmm...."
"Okay, okay - sorry. I won't stamp on your dream any longer," Kim said before sighing
heavily through the receiver. "Hey, I'm on the phone with Wills, so can I call you back? You might want to talk
to Ryan anyway because I don't think that I'm going to be much help."
"Yeah, I'll give him a call. But just real quick - women's intuition: Purple
sandals or black penny loafers?"
"Purple sandals by far," Kim replied. "But don't forget that Ryan has gay
man intuition, and it's just as good, if not better than women's intuition."
"Right," Jenn smiled and propped herself up against the headboard. "Okay, talk
to you later."
"Later, dude."
Jenn pressed the button on the phone and waited for the dial tone before punching
in Ryan's number. Man, all this planning and preparation just to look good for a man. It was tough
being a woman sometimes.
"Hello, you've reached the Hot Gay Best Friend Help Line. If your name
is Jenn, and you're looking for fashion advice because you're hopelessly attracted to a rich prick, please press 'one'
now."
"Ha ha, very funny," Jenn laughed dryly. "How'd you know that was why I was
calling?"
"Well, cupcake, when I saw your name on the caller ID, I just assumed that was
the case because you have to be at Scott's house in..." There was a pause as Ryan checked his watch. "Twenty-two
hours, 13 minutes and 29 seconds."
"Congraulations, Nancy Drew," Jenn said bitingly. "Now will you please help
me?"
"Of course. What is it that you need?"
"I'm planning on wearing those new hip-huggers I got. Remember, you were
at the mall with me and - "
"Oh right - the ones that were all, 'Hey, look at my ass!'"
"They are not like that," Jenn replied in a huff. "But anyway, should
I go sort of wild and crazy and wear the bright purple sandals, or go for the demure look and wear the black penny loafers
with the heel?"
"Hmmm..." Ryan trailed off in thought, thinking the decision over. "Well,
you don't want to look like a trashy, cheap ho because even the word cheap makes Mr. Baker-Aldrick have
a small stroke, so I'd say black penny loafers."
"Okay," Jenn nodded. "Kim said purple sandals, but she's - "
"Oh, please," Ryan scoffed. "I'm surprised she didn't suggest wearing Converses
with a skirt. That girl needs help."
"Well, I trust your advice and - " Jenn paused when she heard a distinct beeping
sound in her ear. "Oh, hold on a second, Ry. I have another call."
"Sure, sure. I'll be busy plucking my eyebrows when you get back, so just
holler."
"Alrighty then," Jenn pressed the button that connected to the other line.
"Hello?"
"Jennifer?" said a slightly familiar male voice.
"Um, yes?"
"This is Scott. You know, Scott Baker-Aldrick IV - "
"Oh my GOD, hi!" Jenn blurted out, but then mentally smacked herself for sounding
too eager. "I mean...hey."
"Hello. Listen, there's been a slight change in plans - "
"Uh, can you hold on a second?" Before he could even answer, Jenn had switched
back over to the other line. "RY! RYAN! Are you there?!"
"Good lord, woman! What is it?" Ryan's annoyed voice asked through the phone.
"You'll never guess who's on the other line!"
"Uhhh...Michael Jackson?"
"Scott!"
"Eh, close enough," Ryan answered. "Well, keep your panties on, girl.
At least for now."
"What should I do?!"
"Oh gee, I don't know," Ryan said with mock-confusion. "Perhaps...TALK to
him?!"
"Oh, right," Jenn laughed sheepishly. "Hold on then." She clicked
back over to the other line. "Sorry about that, Scott..."
"You know, I really hate to be kept waiting," he replied crankily. "But anyway,
here's the deal. I forgot that father and mum are throwing a small before-dinner cocktail party here at the house tomorrow.
It's just a tiny gathering, only twenty people or so, but it's vital that they have the place. So we can't meet
here to do that wretched group project."
"Oh..." Jenn's mind raced, as she tried to think of something to say. Unfortunately,
her mind was coming up blank. "Um...can you hold on a second?"
"Well, actually - "
Jenn switched back over to Ryan. "OH MY GOD, SEAQUEST! We have a problem!"
"Honey, take the decibel level down a notch," Ryan commanded. "It's not a
good idea to get a man on edge when he's plucking his brows."
"Sorry. But, oh my God! We can't meet at Scott's house tomorrow.
Something about a cocktail party and mum and father and - ahhh! What am I gonna do?"
"Suggest that you meet at your place, duh," Ryan said as if she was an idiot for
not knowing this.
"Oh. Okay. I can do that," Jenn breathed in deeply, taking the
time to exhale before going back to talk to Scott. "Heh, sorry about that. But yeah, I was just going to
suggest that we meet at my place instead."
"Your place?" Scott sniffed disdainfully. "Hmm, well,
I suppose that would work considering the tight spot that we're in. We can't very well meet at Kim's place because
it's most likely a trailer in someone's backyard, and that Richard kid probably lives in a trashcan with Oscar the
Grouch. Email me directions and a map. You call everyone else and let them know." There was an awkward
silence before Scott spoke up again. "Well, I must go. Mother's calling for dinner, and we're having filet
mignon. Ta."
"Okay! Bye!" Jenn's grin spread from ear to ear, and she could feel her heart
pounding excitedly. She switched to the other line and squealed into the phone.
"I think I've just gone deaf," Ryan cracked. "So did you settle everything
with lover boy?"
"Change of plans!" Jenn informed him. "You're coming over tomorrow to help
me decide what to wear. Okay, now I have to call Kim and let her know. Catch you later, Ry."
"Live long and prosper, darling."
Jenn pressed the button and didn't even bother to listen for the dial tone
before she called Kim. As she listened to the ringing, she drummed her fingers impatiently on the bedspread. "Come
on, pick up...pick up..."
"Hello?"
"KIM! We're meeting at my house tomorrow!"
"Uh, what?"
"Scott just called. His parents are having a cocktail party or
something, so we have to meet here instead."
"Awww, so you mean that we don't get to go see Scott Baker-Snobface's big,
huge mansion? What a shame," Kim said. "I'm deeply depressed."
"Ryan's coming over to help me decide what to wear, but I'll make sure that he
leaves before we start the group work," Jenn went on. "Oh yeah - and we need to call that Richard Forkiedough guy
and let him know about the change in plans."
"You can call Forkiedough," Kim replied. "I'm still talking to Wills.
Thanks, Jenn. You're a real pal."
"Uh - "
"Adios, mi amiga!" Kim hung up the phone, and Jenn was left listening to the buzzing
sound of the dial tone. She sighed and looked over at the piece of paper next to her, where all four group members had
written down their contact information. Nervously, she picked up the phone again and dialed Richard's number.
After four rings, no one answered so the answering machine kicked on and mysterious,
new age music began to play in the background.
"Hello. You have reached...the answering machine of Richard Forkiedough.
Although it is uncertain what the true intent of your call was, it is certain that I will get back
with you soon. These words are lovely, dark and deep...but I've got promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep,
so leave a message at the beep." Beeeeeeep.
"Um, hi..." Jenn twisted the phone cord around her fingers as she struggled to
not sound like an idiot. She hated leaving messages on machines, and the fact that Richard's message was the weirdest
message that she had ever heard in her entire life didn't really help matters either. "Um, this is -
this is Jenn Weiner and uh, I'm calling for Richard? I just wanted to let you know that - "
"Hello? Jenn?"
She was surprised when he picked up the phone, greeting her with his notably
deep voice.
"Oh, you're there," Jenn said. "Um...nice message."
"Thanks," he replied in that same bored tone he used at school.
Neither of them said anything for a moment, but then Jenn remembered that she was
supposed to inform him about the change in plans.
"Oh yeah, so...as it turns out, Scott's parents are having a cocktail party at
his mansion tomorrow, and we can't meet there. We're meeting at my house instead, so I hope that's okay?"
"I suppose. But do we have choice in the matter? Do we ever have choice?
What is choice?"
"I, um..." Okay, what was this kid talking about? Jenn couldn't
help but feel slightly baffled as she kept twisting her fingers through the phone cord. "I...don't know?"
"You don't?"
"Well, I guess - "
"You asked me if it was okay, but what if I said no? The plans have already
been made. Therefore, the decision has been made and there is no choice. Choice is just an illusion."
"Would you rather meet at the library instead?" Jenn asked, beginning to feel a
little frustrated.
"Ah, the library. So many books, so little time. Reading expands the
mind and stretches the imagination, you know. What was the last book you read?"
"Wha?" How did they get on the subject of books, exactly? "Um, like
for school or for fun?"
"Reading for school isn't fun?" Richard asked, as if he was egging her on.
"Not really - "
"Or do you just not think it's fun because it's for school?"
"Gee, look at the time - I really have to go," Jenn interjected. "Nice talking
to you. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"And how exactly would I go about finding your house? Mental telepathy, perhaps?"
"Oh," Jenn blushed slightly, feeling foolish over having forgetting to give him
directions. It was a good thing that he couldn't actually see her. "Right...well, how about if I just email
them to you? I have to email Scott anyway."
"Very well. I'll see you tomorrow, Jenn."
"Bye." Jenn hung up the phone and shook her head, relieved that the conversation
was over. What a weird kid.
The next day, the Weiner residence was in complete turmoil as the fantastic foursome (sans
William) prepared for Scott and Richard's arrival. Well, Ryan was busy trying to calm a nervous Jenn down, and Kim was
just hanging out on the couch, watching the drama unfold.
"Jenn, you have to relax," Ryan said, grabbing Jenn's shoulders and steering her
to the couch. "Sit. Relax. Breathe." He fanned her face off with his hand and spoke in a calm, soothing
voice. "See? Everything is good. Everything is calm."
"But what if I say something stupid?!" Jenn cried anxiously. "What if I spit
when I talk? Or stutter? Do I smell?" She quickly stuck her nose in her armpit and breathed in. "Is my deoderant
working?"
"Jenn, you look great and you smell great," Kim reassured her friend.
"If Scott doesn't fall madly in love with you the second he sees you, he's a complete moron."
"Yeah, listen to the woman," Ryan jumped in as he perched on the edge of the
couch. "Maybe you'd be good for Scott. I mean, he needs a companion who is nice and cute and funny - "
"And someone who won't put up with his shit," Kim added.
"Right," Ryan agreed. "My only fear is that Jenn is just a bit too
lovestruck."
"Mrs. Jennifer Baker-Aldrick IV...Jennifer Baker-Aldrick...Mr. and Mrs. Scott Baker-Aldrick
IV..." Jenn stared dreamily off into space, a glazed-over look in her eyes.
"Just a bit, eh Ryan?" Kim said, raising an eyebrow. Before she could say anything
else, the sound of the doorbell chimed throughout the house. "Better get that, Jenn."
Jenn ran to the door, paused for a moment to smooth down the pink skirt that Ryan
suggested that she wear, and then jerked the door open while plastering a huge smile on her face. However, her smile
quickly faded when she was faced with Richard Forkiedough.
"Oh, hi," Jenn greeted him less than enthusiastically. "Come on in."
She held the door for him, watching as he made his way into the house. He was dressed all in black, as usual, and didn't
bother to take off his sunglasses once he was inside.
"Good afternoon, my educational colleagues," he greeted everyone. "I trust
that this will be a mind-opening experience for all, hmmm?"
"I'm not sure if that's the right word, but yeah," Kim replied as she leaned back
against the couch. "It's sure to be a barrel of laughs."
"Well, I think - " Richard was cut off as the doorbell rang again, and Jenn nearly
ran him over in order to answer. She plastered the same smile on her face and opened the door. This time, the
smile stayed where it was.
"Hello Scott," Jenn said sweetly. "Won't you come in?"
He didn't answer, but instead glanced around the house as if he was sizing it up.
"Hmmm...a marble entranceway, good. Let's see...oh, goodness. This
shag carpet is so 1970's, not to mention completely hideous." He ran a finger along a shelf on top of the fireplace.
"Egads! Haven't you people ever heard of a maid service? This is filthy!"
"Well, um...I prepared some snacks - I mean, hors dourves," Jenn corrected herself.
"Please, sit down on the couch and make yourself at home." She showed Scott into the living room and then dashed off
into the kitchen.
"Hello, Forkiespoon," Scott said to Richard, unaware that he got the name wrong.
"Miscreant," he added to Kim, nodding curtly.
"Snobtart," she responded.
"And who might you be?" Scott asked Ryan, who was still sitting on the edge of
the couch. "Oh wait, let me guess," he let out a huffy little laugh before continuing. "I've seen you hanging
out with Jennifer at school. You must be her boyfriend. How cute."
"Uh?!" Ryan began, but shut up when Kim elbowed him in the ribs.
"Yes, that's true," she butted in. "Ryan is Jenn's boyfriend. Isn't
that right?"
"Actually - " Ryan quickly changed his statement when Kim discreetly pinched
him on the arm this time. "Actually, yes?" He answered as he gave Kim a questioning look. "I'm...Jenn's..."
he gulped, fighting back a grimace. "...boyfriend."
"How positively adorable," Scott sneered. Richard remained quiet, and he
seemed oblivious to the conversation as he thumbed through a copy of The Great Gatsby.
"Um, Kim? Can I have a word with you? Now!" Ryan grabbed Kim's arm
and pulled her off of the couch, calling over his shoulder, "We'll be right back."
Once they were in the kitchen, Ryan slammed the door shut and turned to face Kim
with an angry expression on his face.
"Are you INSANE?!" he hissed. "Why did you tell them that?!"
"There's a perfectly logical explanation," Kim said, holding up her hands. "Don't
freak out on me."
"Tell them what?" Jenn asked as she stuck toothpicks into squares of cheddar cheese.
"I can't believe you!" Ryan exploded. "Are you completely off your rocker?
Has all that hair dye been seeping into your brain? Why would you TELL them that?!"
"Tell them what?!" Jenn asked again. She went to the fridge, took
out a pitcher of iced tea and began pouring it into four glasses.
"I told Scott that Ryan was your boyfriend," Kim confessed. At the mention
of this, Jenn froze completely but still kept pouring the drinks. She wasn't even aware that iced tea was spilling
out onto the counter.
"You...you...what?!" Jenn quickly pulled herself together and grabbed a towel to wipe
up the mess. "KIM! What is WRONG with you?! Ryan is not my boyfriend! He's not even straight, for
God's sakes!"
"Okay, both of you! Listen!" Kim commanded. She glanced over her shoulder
and then turned back, pulling Ryan and Jenn closer to her. "Here's the plan. The number one way to make someone
want you is to let them know that they can't have you. If Scott sees Ryan and Jenn together, he'll get jealous and realize
what a great girl she is. And I mean, come on - Scott's a total brat. He's the type of guy who always wants what
he can't have, and then he whines and complains until he gets it."
"Well...I guess it could work," Jenn said doubtfully, glancing at Ryan.
"It wouldn't be for very long either."
"I don't know," Ryan ran a hand through his perfect hair and sighed. "I'm
not very good at this whole 'being straight' thing. I thought everyone knew that I was gay anyway."
"Oh please, like Scott pays attention to anyone other than himself," Kim pointed
out. "Just do it - as a favor to Jenn."
"Ahh..." Ryan looked at Jenn, who was staring at him with hopeful puppy dog eyes.
"Okay, okay," he relented. "But as long as I don't have to make out with you or anything."
"Yeah right, like that'll ever happen," Jenn said, waving her hand dismissively.
"Alright, well...let's go, you guys. We have work to do."
Will Ryan and Jenn succsessfully make Scott jealous? Stay tuned to find out!
